Well, whether I like it or not, life begins anew. I have to dig deep, find a new path, forgive myself for past mistakes, and forge ahead with new plans, new goals, and a positive outlook. I am finding myself dwelling on the past, re-thinking and re-hashing decisions made a long time ago. Silly really. I cannot change the past. But so many choices and decisions that will be made in the future will be affected and influenced by my past actions. Trying to make a new life from the ruins of the past is pulling me down, I find myself REACTING, instead of acting. Lashing out in anger instead of rationally processing the facts…
My focus should be me…to become a healthy, emotionally stable, productive woman again. I am torn between focusing on my girls, the ranch, work and my own body and soul. I have wonderful family, fantastic friends..all the puzzle pieces will come together if i allow them to. So why can’t I get it together? Do I need a time for grieving? And how much time do I allow myself before I shake it off and pull on my boots and get back at life? Depression has never been a part of my psyche…I get angry, I get busy and I fix the problem, attack it, dissect it, rationalize, pros, cons, make a decision and move on. But my mental mud is dragging me down. Not being able to sleep and eat is a huge issue, I realize. When your body is not nourished and refreshed, there doesn’t seem to be anyway to recharge.
Now I do feel like I am doing a whole lot of whining here…and that maybe so. But I am trying to dust out those “dark corners of my mind”, get rid of all the negativity, and doubts, and clear a new path. I keep thinking that if I pour out my frustration and anxiety on here, then I don’t have to bore family and friends with the same old complaints. I hate having anyone know my problems, and like to be able to solve them on my own. I know we all need family and friends, but I feel bad when they want to fix things for me. Trying to get back to the old self-sufficient me!
