http://www.deadwood.org/events/deadwoodjam/

http://www.deadwood.org/events/deadwoodjam/

We have our tickets!

I borrowed this from someone, but can't remember who to thank and quote....

Not long ago, your friendship was distant, in the back ground, comforting, but solid. I didn't look for more, didn't search your words for more meaning than what I could see in front of me. I was selfish, only looking for what I could use, looking inwards. You were a voice of reason, an echo of my soul. When I look between the lines, listened to what you had been saying, I realized what had been there for awhile. you were telling me more than what I was hearing. My life is in constant flux, changing, morphing, and I am trying to find solid ground for my feet. You have given me advice and an ear to vent to...experience to use. I am trying to learn to love me, be proud of who I am, to redefine this person and the body that I was given. Its a difficult task. I was raised to be proud, independent, kind, thoughtful and loving. I can be all these things...but the hardest thing of all is to love myself. So many mistakes and wrong moves, choices that made sense only in the moment, makes me second guess my every move, my every step, and almost every word.  

No looking back

Spinning

My mind spins, thoughts whirling and twisting around like leaves in the wind.  I am unable to focus on any one thing, thinking of one subject leads me to another, and another.  Speculation, questions, all mixed with anxiety and angst.  Which direction to turn?  I was thinking I was moving on, a straight road, with no more twists and turns to throw me off, and then comes the bend in the road.  No, correction...T.. .I have to brake, and decide which way to go, left or right? Which is Right? which will be wrong?  Past experience has taught me to go with my gut, my heart........but logical and analytical thinking is needed at this point.. Can I trust my heart to take me where I need to be? Or should I stay on this road, deny myself a chance at an unknown life....stay with the safe, the uncomplicated.  So many things depend on one decision...happiness prosperity, love....

A New Start In Life...

Well, whether I like it or not, life begins anew. I have to dig deep, find a new path, forgive myself for past mistakes, and forge ahead with new plans, new goals, and a positive outlook. I am finding myself dwelling on the past, re-thinking and re-hashing decisions made a long time ago. Silly really. I cannot change the past. But so many choices and decisions that will be made in the future will be affected and influenced by my past actions. Trying to make a new life from the ruins of the past is pulling me down, I find myself REACTING, instead of acting. Lashing out in anger instead of rationally processing the facts…

My focus should be me…to become a healthy, emotionally stable, productive woman again. I am torn between focusing on my girls, the ranch, work and my own body and soul. I have wonderful family, fantastic friends..all the puzzle pieces will come together if i allow them to. So why can’t I get it together? Do I need a time for grieving? And how much time do I allow myself before I shake it off and pull on my boots and get back at life? Depression has never been a part of my psyche…I get angry, I get busy and I fix the problem, attack it, dissect it, rationalize, pros, cons, make a decision and move on. But my mental mud is dragging me down. Not being able to sleep and eat is a huge issue, I realize. When your body is not nourished and refreshed, there doesn’t seem to be anyway to recharge.

Now I do feel like I am doing a whole lot of whining here…and that maybe so. But I am trying to dust out those “dark corners of my mind”, get rid of all the negativity, and doubts, and clear a new path. I keep thinking that if I pour out my frustration and anxiety on here, then I don’t have to bore family and friends with the same old complaints. I hate having anyone know my problems, and like to be able to solve them on my own. I know we all need family and friends, but I feel bad when they want to fix things for me. Trying to get back to the old self-sufficient me!

Confusion .........

Confusion reigns, uncertainty and angst...............I am wondering what direction to go now? Decisions to be made.....hard thoughts and long, deep hours of thinking to be done, consideration of future opportuinities.....where do I go from here?

Personality Test

My Personality

Neuroticism	58
Extraversion	80
Openness to Experience	43
Agreeableness	26
Conscientiousness	46

You often resist any cravings or urges that you have, but sometimes you give in, however you feel enraged when things do not go your way. You are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter if you think you are being cheated. You have a generally cheerful disposition. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You are willing to take credit for good things that you do but you don't often talk yourself up much, however you are not adverse to confrontation and will sometimes even intimidate others to get your own way. You are well-organized and like to live according to routines and schedules. Often you will keep lists and make plans.

Free Poll